True Crime in Prime Time: Tarnished Angel

Small Sacrifices 

(TV 1989)

Starring: Farrah Fawcett, John Shea, Ryan O’Neal, Emily Perkins etc.

Director: David Greene

Writers: Ann Rule (novel) & Joyce Eliason (teleplay)

On the 19th of May 1983 Diane Downs stops at the McKenzie-Willamette-Hospital and cries for help. She is wounded on her arm and her three children are also wounded seriously. She says that a stranger shot at them but the investigation of detective Welch bring out that Diane is a liar. (IMDB)

What possessed me to tune in for (nearly) the full four hours of the forgone-conclusion 1989 telefilm ‘based on a true story?’ I have to say, Farrah hooked me. America’s favorite 1970s Angel may have already achieved ‘legitimate actor’ status with her abuse victim roles in the more-famous The Burning Bed and Extremities, but as Diane Downs, the troubled Oregon mother and seducer, she really rises to the occasion - stringing the audience along through her continual denials to herself and her accusers that she attacked and killed her own children.

The film follows the DA (familiar John Shea) as he persistently pursues his investigation of that night that Diane claimed a ‘bushy-headed stranger’ attacked her family in her car and killed one of her children. The evidence just doesn’t add up, and Shea must unravel the actual events of that night from scattered clues, Downs’ now shocked-mute witness daughter and from Diane’s own incriminating behavior.

There are a few too many “I think she’s about to talk!” scenes with the daughter (Perkins), but meanwhile we get to see Diane’s past and present exploits. After her marriage to an abusive drunk (check!) falls apart, she falls in love with married mechanic Lew Lewiston (O’Neal, her real-life longtime partner), tattoing his name on her back and forming an obsession that inspires her to madness. See- Lew doesn’t want to have kids, so in her mind she was proving her fidelity to her lifetime love by ridding herself of her ‘baggage.’ Lew helps the investigation, bugging her increasingly crazed calls and talking to the DA. Diane, a postal worker (ha ha), becomes a master manipulator of the media circus surrounding her, playing to the camera and the audience. She forms a new ‘Fatal Attraction’ with a classical professor just to get pregnant – the jury loves that!

The miniseries resolves in a tension-filled courtroom drama in which Shea pushes Diane to the brink, forcing the truth out. It doesn’t start out well for her, as she begins tapping her fingers to Duran Duran’s “Hungry Like The Wolf,” seemingly oblivious to the gravity of the situation. It turns out the song was playing on her car stereo when she methodically stepped out to remove a gun from her trunk and turn it on her kids. Shea elicits the mute child to testify against mom, builds a nifty scale courtroom model of the car interior (complete w/dummies!) to dramatize the events, and the jury is won over.

Farrah, whose tragic death was eclipsed by the King of Pop’s last year, goes beyond the standard ‘pretty victim’ to show us the slide of a master (self) deceiver into madness, the public and her children mere pawns in the game.  Small Sacrifices is a worthy addition to the True Crime in Prime Time canon. Goodnight, sweet Angel.

Corey Feldman shows off what he learned at the Never Land Ranch

Rock N Roll High School Forever

1991, PG-13

Written & Directed by Deborah Brock

Those rambunctious kids are back in school and back in trouble in a smash sequel to the 1978 worldwide hit. Corey Feldman leads a rock and roll rally at Ronald Reagan High, but must triumph over the evil plans of the school's fascist principal, Vadar, who wants to halt the school dance and run their school like a prison.

A sequel to the Ramones’ classic Rock ‘n’ Roll High School!?!? Awesome!! More adventures with the mutant rocker mouse? Will we finally find out what happened to the bastard son of Riff Randal & Dee Dee?? Did Screaming Steve kick his junk habit?

NO!! instead we get this low-budget Corey Feldman vehicle, with a few of the original characters thrown in for “continuity,” such as B-Queen Mary Woronov revising her villainous role, this time as Dr. Vadar and sporting a robot claw hand (huh!?! … I mean freaking sweet)

It is a few years after Riff and the gang blew up the original Vince Lombardi HS and so much has changed. Well- maybe nothing’s changed per se but one thing remains the same, and that’s the unruly kids who have little to no respect for authority, but live only to rock and roll.

This new generation of degenerates is led by ‘bad-ass’ Feldman and his band of multi-cultural cronies (black guy keyboardist, crazy Asian bass guy & hott chick guitarist). The gang terrorizes the school, (now Ronald Reagan High!) especially on “Rock ‘n’ Roll High School Day”, by dancing to rock music, throwing papers out of lockers and generally annoying the squares (preppy kids who like student council activities or something?)

The prom is coming up and Feldman and his band wanna play but Togar … I mean Dr. Vadar … won’t let them cause it’s like the devil’s music or something. So they get some advice from Mojo Nixon as the ‘Spirit of Rock n’ Roll’ and enlist the help of Eaglebauer (another favorite from the first movie, minus Clint Howard) who instructs them to simply change the name of their band (genius!)

At the audition, Feldman and the Multi-Cultural-Ettes play the worst-ever version of Fats Domino’s “I’m Walkin’” while Corey does his lamest Michael Jackson impersonation and - holy shit! the plan works. Sure the preppy kids hate the band (and who wouldn’t) but the “way-too-hott-to-be-teaching” teacher/ Feldman love interest thinks they Rock so they are in! But then in another convoluted shit-show plot twist, the preppy prom committee skanks, Whitney & Margaret, tattle to Vadar so their band Zillion Kisses gets to play the prom.

The whole thing lumbers along to the predictable climax. Will Vadar foil the cool kids’ plans and have a non-rocking prom? Will Zillion Kisses rock the fuck out of said prom or will Corey & the Rainbow Coalition butcher more, lame 50’s rock? More importantly will Feldman lay his super-hott teacher (Sarah Buxton)? Will I ever get my dignity back?

* for more about Woronov & Screamin' Steve check out the last ish -- natch

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A Cross-Country Road Wreck!

DEATH RACE 2000 
(1975, Rated 'R')

In The Year 2000, Hit And Run Driving Is No Longer A Felony. It's The National Sport!

Director: Paul Bartel

Writers: Ib Melchior (story), Robert Thom, and Charles Griffith 

Stars: David Carradine, Sylvester Stallone, Simone Griffeth, Mary Woronov etc.

A champion of a brutal cross-country car race of the future where pedestrians are run down for points has a change of heart while being hounded by rivals and a conspiracy seeking to stop the race. (IMDB)

In our end days of brain-dead knee-jerk politics and xenophobic paranoia, has there ever been a better time for futuristic death-sport? I think not. I, for one, would pay top dollar to see Tea Party yokels like Rand Paul, Sarah Palin and fatuous mouthpieces like Olbermann, Beck and Huffington strap themselves into a cross-country death race and feel the ‘G’s! It takes the vision of low-budget maestro producer Roger Corman and director Paul Bartel (Eating Raoul) to put a spin on America’s eternal favorite pastime- watching its citizens destroy each other in blood-thirsty patriotic competition. In this near-future spectacular, gladiator-style drivers race cross-country, scoring points for the most pedestrians flattened along the way. (Why is this not on TV?)

David Carradine (RIP?) is Frankenstein, America’s favorite folk hero and repeat race champion who credits his recovery from scores of near-death accidents to “good old Native-American know-how.” A stoic, mysterious figure clad in black skin-tight zippered S&M pantsuit and death mask, he is built for speed. Simone Griffeth, his newly assigned hot blonde ‘navigator’ (sidekicks paired with each driver) may be a double agent for the ‘treacherous French.’ In the meantime- we meet the range of over-the-top (WWE-style) cartoon drivers mugging for the media, including young Sly Stallone as hot-headed mob man ‘Machine Gun’ Joe Viterbo and Factory girl - turned Corman regular Mary Woronov as Calamity Jane. (Matilda the Hun and Nero the Hero meet their early demise in the race.) Announcers and politicians vie for airtime in a grotesque ‘Wide World of Sports’ pastiche, building hype for the annual event. And they’re off!!

With cars outfitted in fake teeth and death devices, they tear across America in high-velocity POV, as color commentators (including Don ‘Screamin’ Steve’ Steele from Rock ‘n’ Roll High School) fill us in. In this event, it has become a fan’s greatest honor to offer yourself as a ‘kill’ to your fave driver, and like clueless tourists standing behind ‘The Today Show’ set, they crowd the routes, waiting to become a statistic. 

The ominous synth / 70s jam soundtrack and shoe-string magic marker titles aid the atmosphere immensely, as we see the racers becoming as paranoid as the public, always wondering who’s working for who. Soon the field of racers is reduced to two- Frankenstein and Machine Gun Joe. Frankenstein himself is planning to make the most of his presidential handshake at the finish line- he’s planted a grenade in his prosthetic hand. But his navigator uses the weapon early to blow up Joe - (“You’ll have to shift the gears for me now.”)

At the finish line, as the winner (Frankenstein doppelganger) takes the stage, packing a knife to shiv the prez (Sandy McCallum), she takes a bullet from a rebel assassin in the crowd. (the ultimate navigator sacrifice). The real Frank then takes out the figurehead in his accustomed fashion- driving at full ramming speed into the platform. Hooray for President Frankenstein! In an epilogue, we see him speaking to reporters with recovered navigator wife, intending to restore democracy and abolish the barbaric race. But he can’t pass up one more good kill- running over a pesky reporter (Steele) for old time’s sake. It’s good to be the King.

Corman’s exploitation chassis famously provided the frame for many emerging filmmakers (Scorsese, Coppola, Howard, Dante etc.) to hone their vision. In this case – Bartel’s wicked socio-political satire, presaging reality TV, “Freedom Fries” and the NASCAR/Tea Party nexus. It also has fast cars that blow up real good, and flourescent orange blood. Let us all learn as a society by its fine example.

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All the chicken you can eat!

BLAST-OFF GIRLS (1967)

Written and Directed by Herschell Gordon Lewis

Starring: Dan Conway, Ray Sager, Tom Tyrell etc.

w/music by ‘The New York Square Library,’ performances by 'The Faded Blue' & 'Charlie'

A sleazy record promoter tries to make it big with a local Chicago garage band and plans to make them famous while keeping the profits for himself. (IMDB)

Fuck Almost Famous. There is a select few films that actually ‘get it’ when it comes to the experience of being in a rock band, and meeting Lester Bangs doesn’t immediately qualify you as a rock muse (though divorcing Nancy Wilson might.)  Low-budget schlock-slinger H.G. Lewis’ 1966 ‘exploitation’ cheapie Blast- Off Girls joins this elite group, along with the untouchable This Is Spinal Tap (natch), that tell it like it is- summarizing the rise and fall of an ‘everyman’ American garage band in the 1960s as they are chewed up and spit out by ‘the biz.’ And yes- the ACTUAL COLONEL SANDERS makes a cameo!

The film follows real-life Chicago garage shlubs The Faded Blue, as they are ‘discovered’ by the slimy ‘Boojie’ Baker (Dan Conway), a slimy sandy-haired Svengali with a cane who’s always on the lookout for the ‘next big thing’ to rip off. In Brian Epstein-fashion, Boojie remolds the band’s image, dressing them in matching suits and rechristening them ‘The Big Blast.’ Boojie’s go-to promotional strategy is (of course) blackmail- in order to secure the recording of The Big Blast’s first single, he snaps photos of a recording engineer being seduced by one of his ‘Blast-Off Girls’ - loose ladies in his employ. The record sails up the charts with a bullet, but the group becomes disgruntled at Boojie not sharing the wealth. After giving the band his blessing to leave, he invites them to a hotel party, where he and his main flunkie (Ray Sager) set up the boys up to be busted for pot and liquor, complete with fake ‘police’ paid off by Boojie. The band must sign on with Boojie again to stay out of the clink.

Along their path to fame, we get some amazingly inept (but groovy) pop ‘60s montages, and the infamous promo performance outside a certain chicken chain restaurant, where the Colonel himself! pays them (lunch for a buck each) and the audience with fried chicken from a bucket and frugs with the crowd. (Bitchin' organ solo!)

In addition to being an amazing coup, this scene captures the shallow rewards of a band on the road, not seeing any fruits of their talent as their rich manager gets richer. It all becomes too much for the boys, (this shit isn’t fun anymore!) as a second recording session breaks down. They decide to get back at Boojie just for the hell of it (see below), and show up soused to a TV promo appearance, where they play a goof song and flip him the bird repeatedly. They walk out on Boojie and rip up their contracts, willing to take their chances on their own, and leaving him to seek out the next bunch of saps in the circle of life.

Sometimes it takes a cheap drive-in flick to summarize the cheap truth – in this case the music business and its rigged roller-coaster of pop success. But I’m sure it’s much different now, with the internet and everything.

Blast-Off Girls is available in a 2-movie ‘Drive-In Double-Feature’ DVD w/Lewis’ awesome teen-delinquent film, Just For The Hell of It from Something Weird Video and our delicious sponsors below.

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Revenge - a dish best served with a hook.

Rolling Thunder 

(1977)

Writing Credits: Paul Schrader (Original Story)

Paul Schrader; Heywood Gould (Screenplay)

Directed by: John Flynn*

Starring: William Devane, Tommy Lee Jones, Linda Haynes, James Best etc.

Major Charles Rane comes back from the war and is given a number of gifts from his hometown because he is a war hero. Some greedy thugs decide that they want to steal a number of silver dollars from him. In the process they also manage to kill his wife and son and destroy his hand. The Major wants revenge so he enlists the help of his war buddy Johnny to meet the thugs in a final showdown. (IMDB)

A sweet, deliberate grind-house revenge movie legendary to worldwide film geeks (crown prince Tarantino named his production company after it), this is also an entertainingly moody and disturbing film, in which returning Vietnam POW Major Charles Rane’s (Devane) story seems eerily similar to good-ole maverick hero John McCain (keep bad-ass aviator shades - add bad-ass hook hand!)

Writers Paul Schrader (Taxi Driver, Blue Collar etc.) and Heywood Gould (Cocktail?) spin a tale of a hero USAF aviator and squadron commander returning to his Texas hometown after three years of sub-human captivity in a Vietnam POW camp, leaving him a numb shell of a man whose life has passed him by. His wife informs him nonchalantly on his first night home that she is planning to marry again, taking their son with her. Devane is excellent in showing his acquiescence to his non-life, going through the motions. He attends a ceremony in the small town square, in which a beauty pageant winner (Haynes) presents him with a box of silver dollars for each day he spent prisoner of the enemy, a hollow token paid for a life already spent.

That night, a small gang of local thugs enters the Ranes’ home, led by James Best (best known as deputy Roscoe P. Coltrane from “Dukes of Hazzard”). They want the silver dollars. Ranes won’t give in, so they force his hand into the kitchen sink garbage disposal, then shoot and kill his wife and son in their escape. Ranes is left with nothing but a hook and a need for vengeance, so he recruits the beauty queen waitress to drive him to Mexico. There, using her as bait, he penetrates the underworld to find and punish each thug, eventually pinpointing them to a whorehouse. He enlists his comrade Johnny (Tommy Lee Jones) in El Paso, arms to the teeth and they take bloody retribution. (NSFW - but but viewable here ~ http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3doJ3jHQ01o.)

The movie works as a revenge flick, but watch out- (or drink more) because it could just make you think. Schrader’s hollow American hero is in full form here, driven by guilt, loss and regret on his mission to kill the bastards, the only mission left.


*Flynn ~ revenge auteur? (See also Out for Justice review, natch.)

School is In! --- High School USA

High School USA

(TV - 1983)

Director: Rod Amateau

Writers: Alan Eisenstock, Larry Mintz


Starring: Michael J. Fox, Anthony Edwards, Nancy McKeon, Crispin Glover, Todd Bridges, Bob Denver, Dwayne Hickman, Tony Dow etc.

Set in a senior high school class, J.J. (Michael J. Fox) pursues the girlfriend of a rival from a higher clique which culminates in a race at the end of the movie between the two rivals in this light comedy. (IMDB)

The year is 2137 – a gaggle of alien archaeologists sorting through artifacts of the ‘human’ species that long ago eradicated itself on Earth come across a special find- a time capsule (or maybe some VHS tapes and socks). These aliens are also in the mood for a light-hearted teen coming-of-age romp- they heard it was what we did best. Would you hope they came across Grease, American Graffiti, maybe Animal House? Raunchy or family-friendly, you ask, say Fast Times, American Pie or as aliens tend to be Disney fans, High School Musical? In the worst-case scenario, they would wind up with a scratchy, taped from the tube copy of this crap - High School USA.

I had fond, hazy memories of this made-for-TV hoakum from my youth- a time when Mork rainbow suspenders and the Rubik’s cube swept the nation, and the turkey was called a ‘walkin’ bird.’ Turns out nostalgia blows major chunks. Canadian-born runt Michael J. Fox (then young Reaganite Alex P. Keaton on Family Ties) was being groomed as our next Mickey Rooney, soon to spring into big-screen stardom as Teen Wolf. And who but teen sex-pot? Nancy McKeon (Facts of Life) as his Judy Garland? (or at least Frankie and Annette) Throw in 2/3 of Different Strokes (Todd Bridges and the ill-fated Dana Plato) and a host of 1960s TV teen has-beens that had been cluttering agents’ desks for 20 years just hoping for a warm meal, and whisk vigorously.

J.J. & the Ladies

It’s the age-old battle of geeks vs. preps, here led by 'BMOC' Anthony Edwards as Beau Middleton, the guy with the best hair, fastest car, highest collar and Nancy McKeon as Beth Franklin, his girlfriend. Fox’s indie senior J.J. Manners (nice) has had it with Beau and the unthinking clique mentality at 'Excelsior Union High School,'  and is just looking to make a ‘statement’ to the prep cattle before he escapes to the real world.

The movie meanders for a while, letting us soak in all our favorites- Tony “Wally Cleaver” Dow as principal, Dwayne “Dobie Gillis” Hickman as the science teacher who sucks up to the preps for a prestigious award, Dawn “Mary Ann” Wells as the ditzy home-ec lady, and in an inspired choice- Bob “Gilligan” Denver as the drunk dad of Crispin Glover, the ultimate geek who would soon be reunited with Fox in Back to the Future. Glover, as always, is riveting in the role of supreme over-alls spazz Archie Feld, who is goaded by his pal, fat sweaty guy Chuckie Dipple, to ask girls out and miserably fail. When Beau asks Archie what they could possibly have in common, he responds “Do you like cheese?”

So, in his effort to best Beau and win over Beth, J.J. recruits the motley band of geeks, including the talents of best pal Otto (Bridges), a science geek who has built a shitty tin-can robot (midget in suit) that responds to his voice commands. Archie’s drunk dad, see, just bought this awesome Trans-Am, which J.J.  wants to use to race Beau in a final showdown. Beau gets wise to this plan, and sends his two minion cheerleader whores (including Crystal “Wings” Bernard) in punk disguises to seduce Archie and Chuck with the promise of scoring in the Trans-Am, then total it. Oh no- what now? 

Don’t worry- J.J. is the man with the plan. First - a little sleight-of-hand, as they drop passed-out drunk dad Gilligan behind the wheel, convincing him that he wrecked the car. Then J.J. allies the geek troops to soup up his old bucket-of-bolts for the big race, in a scene straight from Animal House or Meatballs, with “Why not? substituting for “It just doesn’t matter.” One of the geeks (Jon ‘Lazlo/ Uncle Rico’ Gries), in a nice touch, is the ‘older guy with a kid’ classmate. So they super-charge that jalopy up, even sacrificing Otto’s (useless) robot for insulating metal. On the big race day, Beau tries to cheat again, starting even before the final gun, but J.J. still whips him, using the ‘secret’ red turbo button that shoots him across the finish line and into Beth’s arms. Beth breaks up with Beau at the prom, and she and J.J. share a dance- but wait- is that a new robot on stage? Sure enough- that fucking robot (which looks just like the first one) pulls Beau's pants down for the money shot and starts to dance as  Bridges has the final word (Robot – dance!)

Wait – alien archaeologists come back! Where are you going? We can do better, really (some nudity at least). I don’t know what we were thinking. Have you seen Poison Ivy?

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